The meaning of life

Vanity of vanities, all is vanity...

Having one of those decidedly depressed days about life... as did King Solomon in his time...

Work is one of those things that creep under your skin and infect your soul when it can... Work's mundane, and meaningless... but yet exciting and pulsating... at the end of the day, what/who exactly am I contributing to? Whose life have I made the better as a result of my work? How have i glorified the Lord that little bit more? How have i grown today? What have i learnt about myself? Whose life have i blessed? Have i emerged with a stronger faith? More knowledge of the Lord and His word? More prayerful? More dependent on the Lord?

On the flip side, I've closed another deal, made another winning proposal, given another fashion statement, engaged in a better negotiation, found another way to carry my green bag... these are all achievements worthy of accholade by the world (maybe not my green bag, but i love it!)... but yet it leaves you feeling empty... filled with self, but empty...

Lord, wherein lies the meaning of life? I wish i was teaching mentally handicapped children, or helping autistic children get in touch with life, wish i was a missionary doctor, able to save lives and provide aid to citizens of the third world country, wish i was a against-racial-discriminatory acts lawyer, making sure that people were treated right, wish i could win people to the Lord, tell them the good news, save a soul, work in an elderly home, a childrens' home, talk to people whom no one wants to talk to... will there be more meaning for my life? will i be able to justify my existence a little more?

That's the issue with quarter-life crises, there are a million ideals and not one is realistic... or is it? food for thought... don't want the next quarter of my life to count for as little as the first quarter of my life...

Pickles!

I've taken to reading comics on line again... and pickles is one of my faves! Pickles is written by Brian Crane and charts the movement of two main characters, Earl and Opal, an old couple... and the comic strips identify everyday events about old people that i find so true... and funny!! maybe coz i'm old... or older now... man.. it is SO me to overanalyse things... comics included!

Anyhow, comic relief for a very special and stressed-at-work-by-stupid-insecure-boss friend.. don't we all! :) enjoy!

Door stopper!

i thought this cat was sooooo cute! Cute with a capital C! Cats can copy, meow, scratch, chase rats, choke on fur balls, irritate dogs, laze, stretch, strut, catwalk... and now... door stop! :)

chain reaction

Ever wonder how the memory function of our brain works?

In many ways, I think it works like a chain reaction... not scientific, but i definitely see it unfolding in my life...

When something marvelous happens in my life, say for example, I've got a new dog, or I had a superbly wonderful meal, the chain reaction process in my brain brings back ALL the happy times that i can possibly recall in my mind and it makes me even happier because i think about all the marvelous things that have happened in my life and i thank God for each and every one of them....

More often than not, these chain reactions not only bring to mind scenes or occasions, but people as well. I associate some people with joy and happiness, and others with bitterness and sadness.

In the same manner, when betrayal of trust takes place in my life, even if it's a small insignificant matter at work... all the bad memories will come flooding back... and sometimes, it can hit me so hard that i get depressed... it's as if someone has cut open all the old wounds and it almost seems too much to bear all at the same time... having to deal with all the hurts all at the same time...

I wonder if it's because I haven't allowed these wounds to heal properly... and that's why they've been so susceptible to any small unimportant attacks in my life...

And yet in all these hurts, i struggle to see the Lord's greater purpose... why was there a need to go through such intense pain? why was i not more "equipped" to handle pain before it all crashed on me? where were the warning signs? why have i allowed the same person to inflict pain over and over again?

Perhaps in my sinfulness, i have failed to take heed to the Lord's teachings in His word, i have failed to see the lessons that He is trying to teach, i have refused the moulding of my life and the chipping away at things that are displeasing... and in resistance against a sovereign will, pain (in intense and copious amounts) will come, will hit, will seek to destroy, will obliterate...

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.

O Lord of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!"
Pslam 84:11-12

*Note to self: Walk uprightly... and trust...

The Sun will shine the darkness away and the Shield will block the pain...

Year of the Sheeeep!

You Were Actually Born Under:

Your most comfortable inside your head - and often daydream the day away. You have an artistic temperament that makes you seem creative to some, eccentric to others. You avoid conflict at all costs, and you have a difficult time with relationships. Attractive and with good manners, you tend to shine in social situations. You are most compatible with a Pig or Rabbit.

You Should Have Been Born Under:

Your most comfortable inside your head - and often daydream the day away. You have an artistic temperament that makes you seem creative to some, eccentric to others. You avoid conflict at all costs, and you have a difficult time with relationships. Attractive and with good manners, you tend to shine in social situations. You are most compatible with a Pig or Rabbit.

What Year Were You Born Under?

i think... this is the most confused animal in the lunar calendar... i've always known myself to be born in the year of the SHEEP... but then everybody else (whose names i shall not mention, especially during CNY season this year) keeps telling me that i'm born in the year of the GOAT... and now it's the year of the RAM?? like why don't monkeys have that problem? nobody tells monkeys that they are born in the year of the ape or something right? ;) or cobras or pythons or cocker spanial or hare or boar... *frowns*

i've decided... i like sheep! so i'm born in the year of the sheep!

**point of note: sheep are defenseless, helpless, stupid animals... they cannot camouflage (grazing in the fields, can't possibly be mistaken for clouds on grass), cannot run/flee for their lives, do not have minds of their own (by leading the first sheep to jump over the fence, the remainder of the flock will keep jumping the same height even though the fence door is open!), do not have poisonous spurting liquids coming out of them, cannot self-defend (but rams and goats have horns)... they are completely and utterly dependent on the shepherd...

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want,

He makes me to lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil;

For You are WITH ME; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever"

Psalm 23

I want to be fully dependent on the Lord, to not/never be in want... help me to walk close to You, Lord...

**side note: i don't think it's easy to match what i am and what i'm supposed to be... steadfastness?... hehe... not within my control though... :)

** side note 2: i'm bored at work... and ill-motivated... need to buck up!

*prances off to work... baaaa* :)

Steadfastness

steadfast
adj 1: marked by firm determination or resolution; not shakable; "firm convictions"; "a firm mouth"; "steadfast resolve"; "a man of unbendable perseverence"; "unwavering loyalty" [syn: firm, steady, unbendable, unfaltering, unshakable, unwavering] 2: firm and dependable especially in loyalty; "a steadfast ally"; "a staunch defender of free speech"; "unswerving devotion"; "unswerving allegiance" [syn: staunch, unswerving]

A seemingly simple word, but highly profound in application...

One of the resolutions I brought away from the YAG retreat was to learn to be steadfast. You see, I'm a flighty person by nature. And most times, this flighty-ness permeates every level and area of my life, even and especially in spiritual things.... i wanna learn french, learn jap, ballroom dance, jazz dance, play the violin, take up the cello, work, study, gym, laze, spend time with people, spend time alone, design, travel and everything (and i mean EVERYTHING!) all at the same time... I have no consideration for the amount of time required, the amount of commitment required for each... or the pure irony of the things i wanna do, put together all at the same time... basically i'm clueless...

looking back on my short life, there are many things that were taken up that were abandoned mid-way... e.g. piano lessons (took up to grade 5 in P6 and used PSLE as excuse to quit), ballet lessons (mum said i'd be flat chested if i continued with it, scary at that age! p5!), F maths (could have made it in JC but was just plain lazy), Masters in Strategic Management (once again, decided in an instant i wanted to do it, then decided in an instant that i didn't want to)... i'm sure there are more... but these are the major ones... (of course there is the inconsistency in blogging)

highlighting my inadequacies in the first entry in 2 months may seem like a very depressing thing to do... but i have yet hope!

isn't this amazing? i love clouds! all types of clouds...

there is hope! *nods determinedly* i shall begin with small things... like blogging... and then i can move on to other things that are more major... ultimately, steadfastness is much needed in life... how else will I make friends? and be a friend? how else will the important things in life be achieved? like a stronger faith, and a steadfast heart that follows after the Lord...

i must not give up... if you are reading this, hold me to it! :)

till next... ciao bella...